By Elizabeth*

When I discovered I was pregnant, I knew a birth center and natural childbirth were what I wanted. I was happy to learn I lived five minutes from one of the only birth centers in NC (and one of the largest in the country). After an orientation, my once-hesitant partner was completely on board; we felt excited, and I felt no fear about the birth. I read books about natural child birth and breastfeeding and was looking forward to it. Being in a hospital was not an option, and I would never have a C-section or not breastfeed. I remained strong when dubious friends told me, “Hospitals are better” or “You can hurt your baby by not being in a hospital,” and I sought support from loved ones who were on the same page. I had a challenging pregnancy, but I was hopeful for a natural birth. I knew what I wanted and would will it into being.

At 32 weeks, a midwife suggested an ultrasound because I was measuring small. The ultrasound revealed low amniotic fluid, a low baby weight, and that the baby was breech. It felt stressful, but I had faith it would work out. The baby began to gain weight, and the fluid was low but stable. If we could get the baby to flip (which we would), we could deliver at the birth center.

For several weeks I tried everything to flip the baby—inversion positions, Chinese moxibustion, frozen peas on the baby’s head, acupuncture, chiropractic treatments, swimming, yoga poses, and standing on my head in the pool. When those didn’t work, we did an external version at UNC, all the while having faith the baby would flip. Again, I would never have a C-section; the baby would turn, and I would deliver naturally.

The external version was the most painful thing I’ve ever experienced. At one point, I asked if the pain was like labor because, if so, I couldn’t do it. One OB replied that the version was much worse and was more like human torture. After several agonizing tries, it didn’t work. I wasn’t prepared for the physical pain. I felt beaten up and unsettled after the procedure; the soreness lasted for days, and I had scratches and bruises on my belly. I also wasn’t prepared emotionally for the disappointment when it didn’t work. I felt desperate and fearful. The head obstetrician, who was very kind and supportive, offered to try another version before the C-section, this time under anesthesia. Overwhelmed, I had to think about it.

I felt devastated at the thought of a C-section. I couldn’t understand how I came to this point, or how I could do it. My fear amplified and, most of all, I felt exhausted. I was tired of trying to flip the baby, tired of trying to figure out a way to deliver a breech baby naturally, and worn out from debating another version. I always thought I’d do anything possible to deliver naturally, including as many versions as possible. But now I was exhausted and began to worry about how our efforts might be affecting a baby that didn’t seem to want to turn.

After deciding against another version and hoping the baby would flip at the last minute (the baby would turn and we would all have a good laugh), I had a C-section birth at UNC on December 2, where our beautiful Harper came into the world. While I was upset, I was glad I had time to come to terms with it and process it. And, it ended up being a pretty positive experience. After researching how to make a C-section a better experience, I proposed some changes to the OBs and anesthesiologist, and they were agreeable and supportive. They readily agreed to turn down the main operating room lights to create a more relaxed environment, to put my IVs and pulse monitor on my non-dominant hand and nothing on my dominant hand so I could better handle the baby, to place my chest monitors higher to allow me to put the baby immediately on my chest, to slightly delay cutting the cord and pull the cord blood into the baby, to let us see and announce the baby’s gender, and to talk about the placenta. (I also tried to get them to let me see the baby being pulled out of me, but they wouldn’t agree to that; however, my partner was able to see it in the reflection in one of the lights, and I’m glad one of us got to see Harper being born.) I didn’t feel judged because I was a birth center patient, and the midwives present, Emily and Leigh Ann, knew the staff well and advocated for me. During the procedure, the staff communicated everything they were doing, which helped me feel like I was experiencing the birth. Harper went straight to my partner, then to me, then with us to our room. We were supported in our decision to decline the bath, the eye cream, and the Hepatitis B shot, and to delay the Vitamin K shot. The experience wasn’t perfect; I was frustrated when a nurse wouldn’t let our doula into the recovery room and with the plethora of random and unnecessary people who came into our room. But, overall, I felt supported by most people I met, including kind nurses and a great lactation consultant who spent three days with us.

Also, little did I know at the time that some of our biggest challenges were to come. After coming home, I hurt my back, had mastitis, and was bed-bound. Harper won’t latch on and my milk production is low, so I have to pump and supplement with formula; I’ve never been able to naturally breastfeed. I didn’t let myself rest like I should have, which delayed my recovery. Eight weeks after the birth, I am battling my second round of C. diff, an intestinal mega bug infection I likely contracted at the hospital and that ran rampant due to antibiotics from the surgery and mastitis. Baby Harper has to wear a full-body harness for three months to correct hip dysplasia and is undergoing regular physical therapy for torticollis (twisted neck). She also has plagiocephaly (an asymmetrical skull and a flat spot on her head), and it is likely she will have to wear a helmet to correct it.

Yet, throughout it all, I feel extremely grateful. I am thankful for a partner who is a real co-parent—not a “mommy’s helper,” but a true co-pilot who is completely involved in our child’s care and in taking care of our household. I am grateful for a healthy child whose issues are correctable and do not cause pain. I am indebted to everyone at WBWC who weathered our storm with us; my prenatal care and the presence of our midwives during the version and C-section were essential. I appreciate our phenomenal doula, Wanda Sundermann, who helped (and continues to help) me process our experience, and to Cher Durham, who gave me resources to understand my rights to ask for the placenta for encapsulation. I feel lucky to be five minutes from UNC where skilled practitioners continue to help us. I am grateful for the financial resources to get what we need and a generous paid maternity leave.

I am also thankful to have received a large dose of humility. I realized I once judged other women for their decisions, but now realize I never know what goes on behind the scenes. And, while the universe has given us challenges, it has also given us a happy, thriving, smiling, beautiful child who is the joy of our life, and who sleeps 11 hours at night and wakes up only once!  I’ve come to realize that, while our experience took a different path, there is much to appreciate.

*Last name withheld for privacy at author’s request